erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
