i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
