Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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