Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
