I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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