my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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