Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
