Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
