He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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