im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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