I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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