woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
