you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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