We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
