I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
