I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
