Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
