I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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