Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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