So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize