Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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