I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
