i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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