I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
