i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
love makes seman taste better
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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