If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
