i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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