she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Shame is for Republicans.
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