I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
