the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
