I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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