I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Randomize
