Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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