i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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