Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Farmville is her only friend.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Randomize
