Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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