I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
