i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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