My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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