just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
