My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
