So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
