I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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