the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
