There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
