No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
