FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
