I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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