If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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