you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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