Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Randomize
