i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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