I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize