Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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