the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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