He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
